POSTED RELUCTANTLY, upon request from emailers:

I didn’t want to admit this to my Tribe.net buddies, but so many have suspected that I have a “past,” I felt that perhaps I should reveal just what that amounted to – well, some of it anyway.

When I was 18 and stupid, I needed money to go to school. I was advised by some other young women that pole-dancing would be a good way to make some money fast.

Well, that was somewhat overstated. But, after a brief whirlwind of searching, I found myself in the position as one of five young women chosen by an agency for an adult entertainment venture that would be a level above that. This was more difficult for me than the other four because I had been shy my entire life, burdened with an overwhelming sense of inferiority and weakness.

We five were enrolled in acting classes and, over the next six months, learned acting techniques, including comedy and dance.

During that time, I’d also enrolled in a community college and began dating my first-year sociology instructor who I’d marry a year later. He’s also a post-grad-studies engineer. He made me understand that what I was getting involved in would be a short-term career that almost certainly would be a dead-end job within five years, whereas a solid education would be a better bet. An adult-entertainment background isn’t the best resume for future stage work.

I told my husband-to-be that I’d been involved in some silent fuck films that were no more than videos produced for sordid advertising, internet clips, magazine postings and other low-end venues. Additionally, we were expected to fuck the producers and their friends at fund-raising parties and social gatherings. All this paid us five naïve girls a percentage of the take and paid back the agency for its investment in us five naïve girls. Nothing in life is free.

Having descended into society’s lowest depths, every element of shyness and inferiority I had experienced had now evaporated.

When my school’s next semester began, and I became a full-time “real” student. Had I remained with the agency, I’d have been on the adult-club circuit and taking roles in feature adult films, although not in a starring role. Those roles were then becoming money makers for the top one percent or so of actresses but the chances of achieving that are small for all others wannabes. It has now become so lucrative that only a small fraction of one percent reach that height of success.

Between his growing consultant business and his teaching positions, my husband made more money than I’d ever dream of achieving at doing anything else. And I was beginning to see how sleazy that other world was anyway.

Unless you’re at the top of the game, giving an adult performer the option of making her world pretty much whatever she wants it to be, it’s far worse than anyone outside that business can imagine. That business robs its employees of their souls.

And, finally, most people I meet, or correspond with, mistakenly assume I’m “really smart.” I’m not. Although I ultimately graduated, I had a lot of trouble with science and math. I fucked three instructors, an associate professor and a full professor to obtain additional instruction. Each told me beforehand that, although they would help, they wouldn’t adjust my grades upward. My grades were average.

The real reason some believe I’m smart is because of those acting classes. For all its Olympian faults, I’ll give the adult entertainment business that much credit. For its social reasons, overcoming my inferiority and just-plain fooling people, that tiny portion of my experiences was useful.

So that’s my past history, which I now assume will explain to my Tribe.net buddies how I developed the attitudes I now have.

I can’t recall how many readers of my few stories have asked, “Why can’t my wife (or girlfriend) see things like you?” Well, they didn’t go through the crap I did.

I apologize for not being fully forthcoming to those who I have answered. I’m truly sorry. Maybe the above will make up for it.

I regret much of my past. Except here to my friends on Tribe.net, it’s hidden. But Oscar Wilde once said, “All saints have a past. All sinners have a future.”

~~ "T"